I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
