spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
