I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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