Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If I die, sorry about rent.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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