haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
