my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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