That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
