After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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