Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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