Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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