apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
