i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
