How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
