Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
