Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
