yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
