I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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