I want to make a zoo with you.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
