and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
