I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize