Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
