I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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