using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
