Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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