Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
