mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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