don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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