We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
