i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
