my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it penis luge time yet?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.