hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room