It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.