Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian