I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
