my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
