she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
