Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
