if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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