he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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