I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
