Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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