my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
