Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
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It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
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She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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