I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
