I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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