I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
