just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
