i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
