Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
