i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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