Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
