Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
