I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
