Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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