Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
